Rainbow Positivity

The first place we lose the battle is in our own thinking. If you think it is permanent, then it is permanent.  If you think you have reached your limits, then you have. If you think you’ll never get better then you won’t.  You have to change your thinking. You need to see everything that is holding you back, every obstacle, every limitation, as only temporary.

Joel Oeteon

(Image taken at the top of Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh.  I didn't think I would be able to climb to the top but, perseverance paid off!)

I came upon this message today and it made me think hard.  I’ve been a convert to the power of positive thinking for a few years now.  It started when I had to leave my last teaching job, a decision that I didn’t want to make but felt forced to do so. I wasn’t ready to leave and I didn’t leave on the terms I would have chosen. As a result, I plunged into a depression that took a lot of time and hard graft to pull myself out of.

We went into lockdown and many people did not cope. The isolation, the restrictions and the news dragged a lot of people into a very dark place. They struggled to cope with the day to day conflicts, the separations and the lack of freedom.

Cancer meant I felt very unwell for a long period of time.  I could no longer go out and meet with people freely due to the risk of infection.  I hadn’t the energy or the motivation.  I wasn’t eating properly, exercising or motivating myself. I spent many a day lying and dozing on the sofa.

When my family was hit by another serious illness it hit us hard. The person involved was on end of life care for what felt like an incredibly long time. It was cruel to us all.  The person involved was waiting to die and the rest of us were looking for every sign that could have signalled it was going to happen. It seemed to go on and on, taking a dreadful toll on our own mental and physical health.

But …. all of these I now see were temporary and with effort and hard work and a great deal of patience, we got through them. It might not have seemed it at the time but the situations came to their natural end and we were able to move on. At the time, I wouldn’t have thought that possible and if I had continued to think that way, maybe they wouldn’t have ended!

After leaving the education profession which had been my lifelong dream and at an age when people were beginning to think about early retirement, I had no idea that my life would take a completely different path! Following a flippant comment on a Facebook page, I found myself going through screening tests for a job as a confectionary taster which is very far removed from life in the classroom. Although I had thought I would probably be out of work and looking for things to keep me busy, within six weeks of me leaving my teaching job, I was working part time in a job that was interesting, challenging and fun, but more importantly led me to a wonderful bunch of people who I now call good friends.

Lockdown caused a lot of issues and separated me from my wider family for many many months but I  can honestly say that the first three months, when we were all confined to our homes with only one hour of outdoor exercise allowed each day was enjoyable! I was lucky as I had my husband and children at home with me. Some days were naturally harder than others, but we felt so lucky to have that extra time together and we made the most of it. We played games, worked in the garden, got proficient at table tennis, did online courses and made the most of having time which is something we are permanently short of. We could have stayed in and moaned and been unhappy but we made sure that we didn’t.  We also kept reminding ourselves that things would change so we needed to make the most of this period of time as it probably wouldn’t ever happen again.

When I was hit by cancer I felt dreadful and some days I did give into it completely which was necessary at the time for my recovery.  But … I always believed that I would get better. Apart from perhaps one fleeting moment, I was determined it would not beat me and I worked hard to make sure that happened. When I felt well enough I did small jobs around the house, pottered in the garden and visited friends. I could have continued to wallow at home but instead I chose to work on my fitness levels – to push myself a little bit more each day that I felt well enough.

When our family member was so very poorly, it was hard work to keep travelling and visiting, and emotionally it was tough. We knew that death was going to happen and we couldn’t change that, we just didn’t know when. We made the most of the time we got together and surprisingly I have some very happy memories. When it did happen, we were obviously devastated. But again, this is temporary. We shall always miss that person and wish they were here, but we can move forwards without forgetting them and how important they have been to us. Grief is always there, but the force of it lessens over time as we realign our own lives and come to terms with everything that has happened. It is the natural progression of life, death and moving forwards.

I am now spending a great deal of time with someone who is obviously suffering. They have lost their partner, they are sad, they are old and they are not as mobile as they once were. These things cannot change. I understand that.  But the mind can.  The mind can move from sadness and grief and the belief that there is nothing to live for – if we allow it to. We need to give it permission to move forwards, to work towards making life a happier, more bearable place to be.  If we cannot think in that way, then life will continue to be sad and miserable. If we tell ourselves that there is no way we can do anything for ourselves, then the mind starts to believe that and stops trying. If we tell ourselves that there is nothing worth living for, then we will miss all the wonderful things that are happening around us. Sadly, I am witnessing this regularly and it makes me so sad but I am now beginning to realise that if that person cannot change the way they are thinking, if they cannot see that their thinking is affecting the way they are behaving and living and feeling, and if they cannot see that their dreadful sadness is temporary, then there is not a great deal I can do.

However, experiencing this is making me even more determined to think and make the most of each situation myself, to seize opportunities and adventures and to try to push myself into trying things I might never have done before. The power of positive thinking can make a sad life a bit happier, but it can also make a good life even more wonderful. So during the tough times, when I am struggling to achieve or cope, I shall try to tell myself over and over … this is temporary.  I will get through it.  I can move forwards.

I hope that you can too.   

You have the power and capacity to make other people’s lives easier and brighter.

Make sure you take full advantage of that magic and make someone smile today.

That made me think about what I could do to make their lives a little bit brighter. I found lots of little things that didn’t cost me much in either money or time but I was told later, made a significant difference. I waved at people or smiled whether I knew them or not.  I took cupcakes or flowers or tiny gifts and left them on doorsteps. I wrote letters, made phone calls and sent e mails to people – checking that they were ok, but just breaking up the day a little for them and for me. I benefited from it all too!

And all these little acts made me realise how lovely it was to make someone smile, to realise that each word or gesture could have such a big impact on their general wellbeing and happiness.  It meant as much to me as it did to them and it is something that we can all do quite easily.

We’ve all engaged in cross words or put downs, however hard we try not to. I know that I have and I know how I have felt when I see them look down, or sigh or frown. I hate making people feel unhappy but know that I am not perfect and that it does happen. There are days when I struggle myself to be bright and enthusiastic and this can also affect others and I have suffered when other people close to me have been depressed or sad – that is natural. But we do indeed have it all in us to help others to feel better about themselves and their lives.

If you know someone is having a tough time, then make time to be there for them. Your company might be all that is needed to lift someone’s mood. A listening ear, some empathy, a simple gesture can make a huge difference even if you think it won’t mean anything.  It is truly a magical feeling to know that you have helped someone through a tough time, that you have brightened their day or made them smile. Why waste time and energy making people feel miserable when you can do so much more by making them happy?

Each day, I now try to do something nice for someone. I will compliment people, pass the time of day with someone in their garden, run an errand for an elderly neighbour and just smile because I have realised that smiles can be infectious. When you smile at someone, quite often they will smile back or smile at someone else. Just imagine what the world would be like if we all spread smiles instead of harsh words and frowns?  What a difference it would make!

So remember that internal power we all have and do what you can to brighten somebody else’s day.

 And if you do, I would love to know about it so get in touch

Grief never ends, but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay.

Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith.

It is the price of love.

Over the years I seem to have become incredibly emotional.  I show my emotions much more easily and am unable to stop the tears sometimes from springing to my eyes even if I don’t think it is entirely appropriate. I just can’t help myself. I hope that people are not embarrassed by this or judge me badly because I cry easily. I can’t help it.  But in some ways, is it such a bad thing to be visibly moved?

I’ve been to two funerals this month – an old friend and a relative. Both experiences were very different and I had tears at both. I felt their loss in different ways and I felt their loss to their closest family and how it was affecting them.

I’ve lost a parent in the last year too and no matter what age you are, it hits hard.  I am still grieving.  Different things will set me off – a piece of music, a place, even a fragrance can be enough to bring back a memory and then a deep sense of loss. I know that I will always feel that loss deeply but I also know that over time my grief is changing.  The rawness of it is disappearing.  The sense of loss is still there but it doesn’t take over every minute of every day.  I have learned to laugh and smile and remember fondly as the friends and relatives at the recent funerals will do, in time. The firsts are the hardest – the first birthday, Christmas, family celebration and so on.  There is always that feeling that someone important is missing, that we cannot enjoy ourselves as much as we want to because they are not there, but over time I am learning that the memories remain with us forever, so in some ways, that missing person IS still there, just not physically.

I used to believe that showing grief openly was weak. We British people are brought up with that stiff upper lip approach sometimes. I was taught not to show my emotions in public – it wasn’t the done thing to do, grieving was to be done privately and alone.  But I now see that this isn’t true. Showing grief is healthy.  It brings you closer to some as you are united in your grief and you can lean on and support each other. Showing grief allows others to give you support when it is most needed without them fearing they are intruding.  Showing grief allows you and others to talk about the person you are grieving for, to share memories of happier times and to just remember. Showing grief is an important part of healing.

Grief has many levels and many stages from disbelief to anger to acceptance. There is no set time limit for each stage.  There is no set time when suddenly grief is done with and life suddenly returns to normal.  But nor is grief a stage which you cannot get through, a place where you are forever stuck. We can and should move on, when we are ready to do so.  We should grasp opportunities to have fun because our time on this earth is short. We should do what we can to enjoy life because that is what our loved ones would have wanted.  I can’t imagine anyone wanting another person to be miserable for the rest of their lives just because they are gone.  I am not saying it is easy but I do believe it is something we should strive for.

Life is for living so in my mind we should allow ourselves time and opportunity to grieve as and when we need it, but to remember that there is still joy to be had. That doesn’t mean that the person we have lost didn’t mean anything or wasn’t important to us or that we have forgotten them – it just means that we recognise that life has to go on and that we cannot allow grief to overtake us permanently.

We grieve because we loved. We loved the person we have lost. We will always love that person and they will forever remain in our hearts because they have touched our lives in some way. So grieve when you need to, take the support and love that is on offer from those around you and allow yourself to move forwards once more when you are ready to do so.

You are strong, you are caring, you are loving. Make your way through the grief journey the way that suits you but keep moving forward, knowing that the person you loved is in your heart and by your side, every step of the way.

Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Every day is a fresh start, a new beginning. Every morning, we wake up is the first day of our new life.

Are you someone that goes over past mistakes, conversations, disagreements and events, over and over again?  Are you someone who finds it hard to move on and leave the past in the past?

It isn’t easy to forget a bad day and start the new one afresh. Remnants of memories drift into our minds, recollections of discussions fill our heads and concern over past mistakes can make us fret and worry. This will always happen unless you are able to brush things aside without a second thought. I can’t do that! I will go over and over the same thoughts and make myself increasingly anxious or unhappy. What will people think of me? Will I get into trouble?  Did I upset someone? These are all valid thoughts but they can take over if we allow them to.

I love the idea of seeing our days as jigsaws. Some are easy to complete, some are a bit harder and others are just far too complicated!

When I have a good day, I can see that the jigsaw is complete, the picture is beautiful and I feel a sense of achievement. I have accomplished what I set out to do that day or at least enough to make me happy.  If I have a bad day, the jigsaw remains in pieces – pieces which I am unable to fit together to make things right.

Each morning, we wake up we can choose to either remember the broken pieces of yesterday’s jigsaw or we can choose to start a new one. That first decision can potentially decide how our day will play out. If we wake thinking today is a new day, that doesn’t mean we forget our mistakes or don’t try to put them right, it just means that we tackle the day anew without allowing the hangovers from the previous one to take precedence. We start the day with a new way of thinking, a more positive attitude, a new approach and a desire to make sure that we don’t make the same mistakes again and that we correct some of the mistakes we have made.

Every day we wake is a blessing and should be treated as such. It is a fresh start, a chance to do new things, an opportunity to make things right. If we continually harp back to the broken pieces from other days, we can never truly move on. They will remain in our consciousness and spring to mind on frequent occasions, preventing us from changing.  We will be stuck in the past. The broken pieces will colour our judgement, affect the way we behave, our relationships with others and the way our day pans out.

I’m not saying paper over your mistakes, ignore them and don’t try to put them right, what I am saying is don’t let them colour the rest of your life. Learn from mistakes, make apologies, do what you can to correct things or rebuild relationships to complete the jigsaw and move on to the new one.

We are entitled to see each day as a fresh start, to move forwards and to enjoy life but to do that we have to brush the broken pieces from yesterday’s jigsaw aside and start on a new one. Don’t allow yesterday’s events prevent you from making the new day a better one. Think, learn, make amends and move on.

To make a difference in someone’s life, you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful or perfect – you just have to care enough and BE THERE!

What I have realised is that it is not necessary to do something grand to make a difference.  I am by no means perfect, rich or beautiful, I am short on time and abilities and I haven’t the courage to jump out of an aeroplane or abseil down a tall building. My talents are limited but I do try to make a difference where I can and in a way that I am comfortable with. It might not make a huge difference and it probably won’t be noticed by others, but it is a difference nevertheless and I am content with this. I don’t need public glory or recognition. I don’t need to show everyone how wonderful I am, I am happy pottering along, doing what I can, when I can for the people I care about or those I think I can help.

When I was ill, I was on the receiving end of lots of people trying to make a difference to my life. I was sent gifts, flowers, home baked cakes, books, magazines and other treats.  I had visitors who were happy to sit in the garden, make a cup of tea and chat about anything and everything to help me feel better.  I had phone calls and text messages, what’s app and Facebook messages – sometimes a long one, sometimes just an emoji that would make me smile or remind me that someone was thinking of me – they made a huge difference. And I realised that what I appreciated the most, was the time people took to contact me or to visit if they could - time taken out of their busy lives to help support me through a difficult time. They were there for me when I needed them and there is no better feeling I can assure you, except perhaps when you are told that you have been there for someone else and it made a difference.

I had a message like that the other week. It took me by surprise as I had no idea that I was doing anything that would make a difference.  During Covid, I had started sending a regular e mail message to an elderly lady I knew quite well. We were in different villages and unable to visit but every now and again I would write to see how she was. This continued after the pandemic when I was unable to visit people due to my home circumstances and when she was unable to respond or use her computer anymore, I started sending postcards.  If I went anywhere of interest I bought a postcard, wrote a few lines about where I had been, what I had done and popped it in the post. When she moved into a care home, I sent cards, notes and postcards so that she was getting post every now and again. They never said anything important but would mention people from  nearby villages, activities I was involved in or places I had been and I thought nothing of it. I did it because I love getting things in the post.  I love to hear what other people are doing, even when I can’t do it myself and I saw when visiting my own elderly parents that the only post they got (they are not computer users) were bills and flyers which are not exciting, fun or friendly! Having heard them say they never got any post these days encouraged me to continue with my friend, plus another elderly lady and my parents themselves.

I found a stack of old postcards which prompted discussions and memories and all it cost me was the price of a stamp and my time. Barely anything.

I knew my friend enjoyed receiving them but hadn’t realised how much until after she sadly passed. Her family, who I had never met, contacted me personally to tell me the news. They knew all about me. They had seen my cards, talked about the pictures and content with their relative and had appreciated the fact that I had taken time to keep in contact. I had not forgotten their relative. And because they felt they knew me and they knew that I had been in fairly regular contact, they had wanted to tell me the news in person to show their gratitude. It was so lovely to be told that my simple gesture had made a difference. It hadn’t been anything grand, or huge or expensive but it had shown that I cared and it had shown that I remembered.

I’m not writing this to show off or to be told how wonderful I am or anything like that, I am writing it to show that even the simplest of gestures, the smallest of things can make a huge difference. Receiving a phone call can be a lifeline to someone at home alone.  A letter, a card, a recycled magazine, a packet of biscuits cost little but can provide joy.  But most of all, time is the most precious gift you can give anyone and it is free! Knowing that people care makes a massive difference to someone’s wellbeing.

My simple cards are something I enjoy doing and something I know I have time for. I enjoy looking for them, I enjoy thinking of things my elderly friends might like to read and I like to think of them being pushed through the letterbox and greeted with a smile. But until my friend’s relatives contacted me, I had no idea that they could make such a difference.

Many of you know I write regularly for the charity From Me To You – a letter writing service that sends messages to cancer patients.  I do this because I received letters when I was undergoing treatment and found it such a lovely pick me up. I send letters and cards to another elderly lady that I can only visit regularly and she tells me she loves to receive something newsy in the post.  It also stimulates her to respond as and when she can. Maybe you too, could write a letter or a card to somebody just to let them know that you are thinking of them.  It is great that people can do the exciting fund raisers and make a big difference and I hope that they continue, but don’t let this put you off. We are not all able to do things like that, but we are all able to do something – some small gesture that can mean so much to somebody else. Start the new year off by trying to make a difference for somebody else and feel happy that you have given up the most precious thing you can – some of your valuable time.

For further information on From Me To You check out https://www.frommetoyouletters.co.uk/