Rainbow Positivity

Grief never ends, but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay.

Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith.

It is the price of love.

Over the years I seem to have become incredibly emotional.  I show my emotions much more easily and am unable to stop the tears sometimes from springing to my eyes even if I don’t think it is entirely appropriate. I just can’t help myself. I hope that people are not embarrassed by this or judge me badly because I cry easily. I can’t help it.  But in some ways, is it such a bad thing to be visibly moved?

I’ve been to two funerals this month – an old friend and a relative. Both experiences were very different and I had tears at both. I felt their loss in different ways and I felt their loss to their closest family and how it was affecting them.

I’ve lost a parent in the last year too and no matter what age you are, it hits hard.  I am still grieving.  Different things will set me off – a piece of music, a place, even a fragrance can be enough to bring back a memory and then a deep sense of loss. I know that I will always feel that loss deeply but I also know that over time my grief is changing.  The rawness of it is disappearing.  The sense of loss is still there but it doesn’t take over every minute of every day.  I have learned to laugh and smile and remember fondly as the friends and relatives at the recent funerals will do, in time. The firsts are the hardest – the first birthday, Christmas, family celebration and so on.  There is always that feeling that someone important is missing, that we cannot enjoy ourselves as much as we want to because they are not there, but over time I am learning that the memories remain with us forever, so in some ways, that missing person IS still there, just not physically.

I used to believe that showing grief openly was weak. We British people are brought up with that stiff upper lip approach sometimes. I was taught not to show my emotions in public – it wasn’t the done thing to do, grieving was to be done privately and alone.  But I now see that this isn’t true. Showing grief is healthy.  It brings you closer to some as you are united in your grief and you can lean on and support each other. Showing grief allows others to give you support when it is most needed without them fearing they are intruding.  Showing grief allows you and others to talk about the person you are grieving for, to share memories of happier times and to just remember. Showing grief is an important part of healing.

Grief has many levels and many stages from disbelief to anger to acceptance. There is no set time limit for each stage.  There is no set time when suddenly grief is done with and life suddenly returns to normal.  But nor is grief a stage which you cannot get through, a place where you are forever stuck. We can and should move on, when we are ready to do so.  We should grasp opportunities to have fun because our time on this earth is short. We should do what we can to enjoy life because that is what our loved ones would have wanted.  I can’t imagine anyone wanting another person to be miserable for the rest of their lives just because they are gone.  I am not saying it is easy but I do believe it is something we should strive for.

Life is for living so in my mind we should allow ourselves time and opportunity to grieve as and when we need it, but to remember that there is still joy to be had. That doesn’t mean that the person we have lost didn’t mean anything or wasn’t important to us or that we have forgotten them – it just means that we recognise that life has to go on and that we cannot allow grief to overtake us permanently.

We grieve because we loved. We loved the person we have lost. We will always love that person and they will forever remain in our hearts because they have touched our lives in some way. So grieve when you need to, take the support and love that is on offer from those around you and allow yourself to move forwards once more when you are ready to do so.

You are strong, you are caring, you are loving. Make your way through the grief journey the way that suits you but keep moving forward, knowing that the person you loved is in your heart and by your side, every step of the way.

Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Every day is a fresh start, a new beginning. Every morning, we wake up is the first day of our new life.

Are you someone that goes over past mistakes, conversations, disagreements and events, over and over again?  Are you someone who finds it hard to move on and leave the past in the past?

It isn’t easy to forget a bad day and start the new one afresh. Remnants of memories drift into our minds, recollections of discussions fill our heads and concern over past mistakes can make us fret and worry. This will always happen unless you are able to brush things aside without a second thought. I can’t do that! I will go over and over the same thoughts and make myself increasingly anxious or unhappy. What will people think of me? Will I get into trouble?  Did I upset someone? These are all valid thoughts but they can take over if we allow them to.

I love the idea of seeing our days as jigsaws. Some are easy to complete, some are a bit harder and others are just far too complicated!

When I have a good day, I can see that the jigsaw is complete, the picture is beautiful and I feel a sense of achievement. I have accomplished what I set out to do that day or at least enough to make me happy.  If I have a bad day, the jigsaw remains in pieces – pieces which I am unable to fit together to make things right.

Each morning, we wake up we can choose to either remember the broken pieces of yesterday’s jigsaw or we can choose to start a new one. That first decision can potentially decide how our day will play out. If we wake thinking today is a new day, that doesn’t mean we forget our mistakes or don’t try to put them right, it just means that we tackle the day anew without allowing the hangovers from the previous one to take precedence. We start the day with a new way of thinking, a more positive attitude, a new approach and a desire to make sure that we don’t make the same mistakes again and that we correct some of the mistakes we have made.

Every day we wake is a blessing and should be treated as such. It is a fresh start, a chance to do new things, an opportunity to make things right. If we continually harp back to the broken pieces from other days, we can never truly move on. They will remain in our consciousness and spring to mind on frequent occasions, preventing us from changing.  We will be stuck in the past. The broken pieces will colour our judgement, affect the way we behave, our relationships with others and the way our day pans out.

I’m not saying paper over your mistakes, ignore them and don’t try to put them right, what I am saying is don’t let them colour the rest of your life. Learn from mistakes, make apologies, do what you can to correct things or rebuild relationships to complete the jigsaw and move on to the new one.

We are entitled to see each day as a fresh start, to move forwards and to enjoy life but to do that we have to brush the broken pieces from yesterday’s jigsaw aside and start on a new one. Don’t allow yesterday’s events prevent you from making the new day a better one. Think, learn, make amends and move on.

To make a difference in someone’s life, you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful or perfect – you just have to care enough and BE THERE!

What I have realised is that it is not necessary to do something grand to make a difference.  I am by no means perfect, rich or beautiful, I am short on time and abilities and I haven’t the courage to jump out of an aeroplane or abseil down a tall building. My talents are limited but I do try to make a difference where I can and in a way that I am comfortable with. It might not make a huge difference and it probably won’t be noticed by others, but it is a difference nevertheless and I am content with this. I don’t need public glory or recognition. I don’t need to show everyone how wonderful I am, I am happy pottering along, doing what I can, when I can for the people I care about or those I think I can help.

When I was ill, I was on the receiving end of lots of people trying to make a difference to my life. I was sent gifts, flowers, home baked cakes, books, magazines and other treats.  I had visitors who were happy to sit in the garden, make a cup of tea and chat about anything and everything to help me feel better.  I had phone calls and text messages, what’s app and Facebook messages – sometimes a long one, sometimes just an emoji that would make me smile or remind me that someone was thinking of me – they made a huge difference. And I realised that what I appreciated the most, was the time people took to contact me or to visit if they could - time taken out of their busy lives to help support me through a difficult time. They were there for me when I needed them and there is no better feeling I can assure you, except perhaps when you are told that you have been there for someone else and it made a difference.

I had a message like that the other week. It took me by surprise as I had no idea that I was doing anything that would make a difference.  During Covid, I had started sending a regular e mail message to an elderly lady I knew quite well. We were in different villages and unable to visit but every now and again I would write to see how she was. This continued after the pandemic when I was unable to visit people due to my home circumstances and when she was unable to respond or use her computer anymore, I started sending postcards.  If I went anywhere of interest I bought a postcard, wrote a few lines about where I had been, what I had done and popped it in the post. When she moved into a care home, I sent cards, notes and postcards so that she was getting post every now and again. They never said anything important but would mention people from  nearby villages, activities I was involved in or places I had been and I thought nothing of it. I did it because I love getting things in the post.  I love to hear what other people are doing, even when I can’t do it myself and I saw when visiting my own elderly parents that the only post they got (they are not computer users) were bills and flyers which are not exciting, fun or friendly! Having heard them say they never got any post these days encouraged me to continue with my friend, plus another elderly lady and my parents themselves.

I found a stack of old postcards which prompted discussions and memories and all it cost me was the price of a stamp and my time. Barely anything.

I knew my friend enjoyed receiving them but hadn’t realised how much until after she sadly passed. Her family, who I had never met, contacted me personally to tell me the news. They knew all about me. They had seen my cards, talked about the pictures and content with their relative and had appreciated the fact that I had taken time to keep in contact. I had not forgotten their relative. And because they felt they knew me and they knew that I had been in fairly regular contact, they had wanted to tell me the news in person to show their gratitude. It was so lovely to be told that my simple gesture had made a difference. It hadn’t been anything grand, or huge or expensive but it had shown that I cared and it had shown that I remembered.

I’m not writing this to show off or to be told how wonderful I am or anything like that, I am writing it to show that even the simplest of gestures, the smallest of things can make a huge difference. Receiving a phone call can be a lifeline to someone at home alone.  A letter, a card, a recycled magazine, a packet of biscuits cost little but can provide joy.  But most of all, time is the most precious gift you can give anyone and it is free! Knowing that people care makes a massive difference to someone’s wellbeing.

My simple cards are something I enjoy doing and something I know I have time for. I enjoy looking for them, I enjoy thinking of things my elderly friends might like to read and I like to think of them being pushed through the letterbox and greeted with a smile. But until my friend’s relatives contacted me, I had no idea that they could make such a difference.

Many of you know I write regularly for the charity From Me To You – a letter writing service that sends messages to cancer patients.  I do this because I received letters when I was undergoing treatment and found it such a lovely pick me up. I send letters and cards to another elderly lady that I can only visit regularly and she tells me she loves to receive something newsy in the post.  It also stimulates her to respond as and when she can. Maybe you too, could write a letter or a card to somebody just to let them know that you are thinking of them.  It is great that people can do the exciting fund raisers and make a big difference and I hope that they continue, but don’t let this put you off. We are not all able to do things like that, but we are all able to do something – some small gesture that can mean so much to somebody else. Start the new year off by trying to make a difference for somebody else and feel happy that you have given up the most precious thing you can – some of your valuable time.

For further information on From Me To You check out https://www.frommetoyouletters.co.uk/