Rainbow Ramblings - 2024

Is it right to take photographs at historic sites where thousands of people were treated in unimaginable ways?

(I have purposely decided to place images at the end of this piece so that you can avoid them if you wish. Those I have chosen are general images that should not cause distress.  I hope that I have taken them respectfully to remember what happened but without showing the horror of all that took place in Auschwitz/Birkenau.)

I was lucky enough to spend a few days in Krakow last month. I’d never been before but it had been on my travel ‘wish list’ for many years. It is a beautiful city. There are old colourful buildings, horses and carriages, beautiful parks, statues and memorials.  We had a fascinating few days absorbing a different culture and seeking out many historical areas.

But for me, the main reason for visiting Krakow, was my desire to see the Jewish ghetto and Auschwitz. This has surprised many who feel that the past should stay in the past, that it is gloomy, upsetting and something that perhaps we should not talk about. My daughter and I spent a day walking around the Jewish Quarter visiting the chair memorial in Ghetto Heroes Square, the Pharmacy under the Eagle, finding remnants of the Ghetto walls, observing synagogues and memories of difficult and dreadful times. Another day was spent at the Auschwitz/Birkenau sites – places I have read about for many years.

I’ve often been asked why I have read so many accounts of Auschwitz and it is not something I have really been able to explain. To be honest, I don’t really know why but I have read many survivor stories. I’ve been appalled at the treatment they have received, the losses that they experienced and the horror of their tales but I have also been astounded by their courage, their will to live and their ability to move on and create a new life once the atrocities came to an end. I have never and will probably never understand how people can move forwards following such appalling treatment and such incredible loss. But having read so many stories, visiting the places themselves was important to me so that I could have a better understanding of what they were describing, I wanted to absorb the atmosphere and to think about what had happened there.

‘I don’t know why you want to go there,’ was a common response when I told people where I was going. And this both surprised and shocked me. In my mind, atrocities such as this should never be forgotten. To me it should be taught in schools and universities so that future generations are aware of what man is capable of and the true horror of what one human being can do to another because of their beliefs.

The day I visited it was scorching hot.  I thought about the descriptions of inmates standing for hours in the cold and the wet and how dreadful it must have been and then I thought again, how equally dreadful it must have been for them standing outside in the heat, with no shade or water, for hours on end. I thought about how we as visitors were not allowed to take food on the site, but those who were incarcerated there had very little if any food. And I thought about how I really didn’t think I could have eaten while I was in there because it would seem wrong to me after the accounts that I had read.

I walked around various areas recognising things I had read about, and passages from various accounts appeared in my head as I witnessed one thing after another. The pile of suitcases, the heap of enamel pots and pans and the mountain of shoes, and I took photographs. I took many photographs. Had I had more time, I would have taken even more photographs. I wanted to capture everything I saw. The famous sign over the entrance gate to Auschwitz, the train tracks, the cattle cart, the signs, the barbed wire. These were all images I had seen on films or had pictured in my mind but was now seeing in reality.

But should I have been taking photographs at all at what is undoubtedly an area of mass killings and graves? It is something I thought long and hard about before I went and even as I was there. Was it the right thing to do? Or even an acceptable thing to do?

The place was exceptionally busy. Visitors amount to 7 or 8 thousand every day. And many many people were taking photographs. I don’t know their reasons for doing so and I only witnessed one case when I recoiled and thought, no, that is not appropriate. I was surprised that there were very few areas that photography was banned  and the guides did not discourage people from taking photographs in permissible areas. What would your decision be?  In my case, I decided that I wanted take images to study at a later date. The tour guides take you around the site incredibly quickly with little time to stop, think and absorb the true horror of what occurred there.  There wasn’t time to think of the people, the individuals who had suffered so much, though our guide was excellent at getting us to stop and humanise some of the things we saw. For instance, as we looked at the pile of shoes collected from people as they entered the camp, she told us to focus on one shoe and remember that it once was worn by a real person, a person who was stripped of all their belongings and probably did not survive. When you thought like that, the pile of shoes suddenly became so much more – it was the memory of hundreds of thousands of people caught in a horror they could never have imagined. So taking a photograph would help me to consider this later, to truly think deeply about the history of the place and the people that were there.

But more importantly to me, I took lots of photographs to show to other people: to people who would never visit the camp, who might not actually know about the camp and what went on there and who possibly wanted to forget that these events actually happened. In my mind, by taking photographs and showing them to others I am keeping alive the history, the events, the horrors and the people that experienced them. I am showing the world that these horrors took place and should never be forgotten or brushed over.  I am showing the world that we should learn from these events to ensure that they never happen again.  And I am showing the world that the people who were taken there and who never left, should never ever be forgotten.  They were wives, mothers, daughters, sons, fathers, uncles, grandparents and so on.  They existed. They were alive.  They were once vibrant people with lives to live and families to care for.  If no one visited and no one took photographs then how would we remember? Would the horrors that took place just be hidden away, never talked about and pushed to the backs of peoples minds? I don’t want that so I am happy with my decision to take as many photographs as I did.

As I walked around, I did think before taking each image.  I respected the areas we were told not to photograph and although it was permitted, I specifically chose not to take images of the ovens inside the crematorium. Many people did but for me this was not acceptable. I paid my respects and I moved on. It was a personal decision but I did wonder why photographs were permitted there but not in other areas.

There was just one point in my visit that I thought ‘This is wrong.’  And that was a couple with their daughter who were taking photographs just as I was. However, the difference was that in my case, I took pictures of the things I was seeing. There were no people in them unless it was a long distance shot with visitors that happened to be there.  This couple put their child in front of certain things and said ‘smile.’ They were taking holiday snaps.  I was taking photos of historical events. To me there is a big difference.  A holiday snap on a beach, in a hotel, in the village square, fun park of whatever is absolutely fine but taking a holiday snap in front of a wooden bunk bed where people were forced to sleep on bare boards with no warmth, or by the crematorium or by the pond where ashes from the crematorium were thrown was just wrong. It disrespected the historical importance of the place but most of all it disrespected the people who had lived, suffered and died there.

So was I right to take photographs at all? That is up to you to decide. In my mind, it was an acceptable decision and the various people I have shown them to will remember the events and respect those involved.  We might not know the names of the many thousands of people incarcerated in Auschwitz but we remember that they were there and we remember why they were there. I hope that I showed and continue to show respect to the families that were involved and those that suffered great losses and I hope that in my own way I have helped to keep their memory alive.  Most importantly of all, I hope that I have played my own small part in ensuring that this dreadful era of persecution is not forgotten and that people will continue to remember to ensure that such events do not take place again.

What does Autumn mean to you? 

Dull, dark and depressing?

Warm, cosy and calm?

The trees in our village look quite spectacular at the moment with their changing colours. There are greens, yellows, oranges and reds. Watching them fall and swirl in the Autumn breeze is very soothing and calming. And when they fall and gather on the floor, what a joy it is to rustle through them, scuffing the leaves here, there and everywhere, probably to the annoyance of my neighbours!  I just love the sound and the sensation. It is so satisfying! Near where I work, the conkers have fallen and opened as they hit the hard ground below.  Shiny, round and smooth, I cannot resist collecting them, touching them and storing them in bowls around the house.  They look pretty but also seem to keep the spiders at bay – an old wives’ tale that works in my house!

The dark cold mornings aren’t much fun especially if the heating hasn’t come on but often, they turn into beautiful crisp days with bright blue skies and sunshine. They hint that better things are on the way and a brisk walk in the fresh air is fabulous for clearing a muddled mind or perking up a tired body. Even walking in the rain can be refreshing and enjoyable. Just dress appropriately.

The squirrels are out in force in the nearby wood, gathering food for the winter months, darting here and there. They are such fun creatures to watch. Where we live, we are also blessed with lots of rabbits, pheasants and other little beings.  The robins are also out making me think of Christmas – a time of year that I just love, despite it being hard work sometimes (all my own doing of course.)

Even getting togged up in layers of woolly clothes can be enjoyable. No more worrying about lumps and bumps showing, feeling cosy and warm, wearing snuggly soft fabrics – heaven! Thick socks, clumpy boots, big baggy jumpers – all comfortable, practical and warm. And as the nights draw in and the curtains close earlier and earlier each night, what better way to have fun than to settle with a good TV programme, a book, a mug of hot chocolate (marshmallows and cream as an extra treat), a cat snuggled in or a lively board game with family.  The colder darker nights are the perfect excuse for indulging, spending time together and slowing down, something we all need to do in our increasingly hectic lives.

I get that if you live on your own it can be hard and lonely, but there is still joy to be found if you care to look for it. Even looking out the window can produce moments of happiness – the blue sky, the trees swaying in the wind, the feeling of warmth from the radiator, a historical drama on the TV – but to see it, you have to look for it and work at it. Think of all the things that you can do inside but generally don’t have time for.  Think of the treats you like to eat and drink and stock up.  Look at the TV guides for interesting programmes to watch and factor them into your day and find a selection of books that can take you to another place or another time. 

Autumn is the perfect time for indulgence.  Celebrate the natural wonders of the Autumn season, treat yourself and plan activities you can do and the darker months will soon fly by.  After all, it won’t be long till Christmas and then the nights will start to draw out again – about 2 minutes every single day.  Notice the differences in the world around you, look for the beauty in all you see and if you can do that and find some happiness, however small, then life will feel so much better, so much easier and so much happier.

One man's junk is another man's treasure! 

I was listening to the radio one lunchtime recently and heard an interesting story. A woman had put a cupboard, that she no longer needed, by her gate, with a notice offering it for free to anyone who wanted it. This was common practice in her neighbourhood, so she was somewhat surprised to be visited by a member of her local council after a few days who issued a fine of £500 for …. Fly tipping!

Leaving things out for other people to take is something that was quite alien to me when I was growing up. It never happened where we lived or maybe it just didn’t happen at all in those days.  But since living in a village, it is something I have grown quite used to. Most weeks somebody has something going for free.  People leave a selection of objects at the end of their driveway or outside their gate, usually with a sign saying ‘Please take,’ or ‘Free’ or ‘Help Yourself.’ It is a familiar sight, particularly during the spring and summer months when the weather is more amenable.

People moving house often have an intriguing line of miscellaneous objects propped against their garden walls, those changing their décor or furnishings will leave odd pieces of furniture, pictures and ornaments in boxes, there are frequently: outgrown toys, books, garden tools and even better, garden produce in baskets and tubs.  I love it!  Taking a walk becomes such an adventure! To me this is the ultimate in recycling – leaving things you no longer need, available for someone else to snap up – after all, one man’s junk is another man’s treasure! Most of the stuff seems to go within a couple of days meaning no trips to the tip, no good items heading to landfill unnecessarily and no home-grown produce being left to rot. It is a win win situation.  From what I gather, many people try leaving stuff outside first and then fill charity bags or contact charity shops with anything that doesn’t go.

I can’t understand why this should be seen as fly tipping.  The lady in question said that she had no intention of leaving her items outside indefinitely.  She would have left the cupboard for about a week and then removed it.  She would also have removed anything if the weather was bad to prevent damage and she had ensured that the pavements were not obstructed and that people and pushchairs could pass easily. So, where’s the harm? Why shouldn’t we allow people to offer their unwanted goods to others for free?

Fly tipping to me (and is very evident in some of the country lanes near where I live) is deliberately driving to an area that is not your home location and dumping items such as mattresses and sofas in a country lane or at an entrance to a field, with no intention whatsoever of disposing of it sensibly or responsibly. That is a totally different kettle of fish and I am all for those people being fined and heavily so, since someone else has to make the time and effort to clear up their mess and dispose of items in the correct manner.

I love walking round our village and seeing what if any treasures are available and have frequently come home with quality items that I can put to good use. I’ve found a lovely pine washstand which is now in my dining room, 2 corner cabinets that became part of 2 mud kitchens for children to place their pots and pans on, I’ve found soft toys, a glitter ball, an umbrella, garden tools, packets of seeds, kitchenware … the list is endless and it has all been free! In the summer months and particularly through Covid, there were tubs of homegrown beans, courgettes, cucumbers, tomatoes, bunches of flowers and endless cooking apples for people to take and where would I be without our village telephone box book exchange?  I walk here at least twice a week to check out any new books and regularly come home with some. Many look brand new – paper backs, hardbacks, fiction, non-fiction, children’s books, puzzles, sometimes even magazines and jigsaws.  Equally, I visit often to put in my own unwanted books for somebody else to read. It provides us with a constant source of reading material, is looked after by a willing volunteer and does not cost a penny.

It brightens my day when I return home with an unexpected treat or something that I can pass on to somebody else because I know that they will find it useful.  On a walk the other day I came back with a giant marrow, a handful of mini cucumbers, a bag full of cooking apples and a book – a very successful haul!  Some of these will be passed on to other members of my family who will enjoy and relish home cooked food made from home grown vegetables and fruit. It benefits them and it benefits those who so generously donate but it also benefits the community and the environment. It avoids waste, it reduces landfill and it is a topic of conversation as we walk around the village. And for those finding life a little tough at the moment, a bag of apples, a cucumber or a book could make a huge difference to people who are lonely and those who are struggling to pay their food bills.

The lady who was fined has been supported by her community who all feel what she was doing was not fly tipping but an act of generosity and something they too have done in the past.  I hope that the local council involved will rethink their actions and change their minds as it seems an unnecessary shame to put a stop to this practice of passing things on. Providing that pavements are not obstructed, that items are not left to rot, that they are not there for weeks at a time and that it is not just obvious rubbish – where is the harm?  Surely there are more important things to be spending their time on and if they are not entirely happy, why not issue a set of guidelines for people to follow?

You may not agree with me but I love my unexpected treasures and hope that in my village they continue. And a huge thank you to all those who do leave things outside for others to enjoy. You brighten our day!

Time is short in our household, particularly for me. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an auntie, great auntie, niece and friend.  That’s quite a lot of labels but there is still one missing - me.  I am all of those things, but I am also me!  That seems to get forgotten about because there is always something or someone who is needing me, who is taking up my time, who is needing support and who always becomes the priority. I’m not saying that I begrudge that. I am lucky to be all the things I mentioned above, but sometimes, just sometimes I really just want to be able to be me, without having to think through everything in advance, make sure everyone else is sorted and happy, that all the jobs in the house are done, that I’ve done my work for the day and the million other things that I cram into each day.  I just want to be me, to do something for me and to NOT FEEL GUILTY about it!

I wonder how many of you feel the same way?  I sit with my feet up for 5 minutes and I feel guilty. I should be doing the washing, preparing a meal, tidying up and so on.  I have a rare evening out but I feel guilty because I’ve left a ready meal for the family to prepare and eat instead of cooking a proper meal.  I’ve done the shopping, put it away but have forgotten one item and I feel guilty that I didn’t’ do the job properly. It is never ending!  I can feel guilty about any situation that I find myself in.  I’ve said the wrong thing, I’ve not done something I feel I should have done and the worse thing of all, I’ve put myself first and am therefore guilty of being selfish.

What is it about mothers who always put everyone else above themselves on the list and forget that they too are entitled to some relaxation, some time off, or an indulgent treat?  How many of you spend a rare evening out worrying about the people you have left at home. Have they put the bins out?  Have they cooked themselves a meal?  Are they lonely? And so on .. it just continues.

At the moment I have very little time for myself. I am being torn in too many different directions and my mental and physical health is suffering as a result.  I’ve not had time to attend my own appointments because I’ve been helping other people get to theirs. I don’t sleep well because I am worrying about other people and how they are managing.  I’m not doing my work properly because I am so tired I can’t concentrate and focus and yet I still feel guilty that I should be doing more for other people, when perhaps I should be turning my attention on to myself. What good am I to someone if I make myself ill? Why shouldn’t I find a moment of joy in the middle of a difficult time? Why oh why, should I feel guilty that I have spent an evening with friends, laughing and enjoying myself?  And yet I do.  Putting myself first does not come naturally and when I do, I feel selfish and therefore guilty.

In recent weeks I have tried extra hard to make time for myself. It does not come easy and it has caused problems. Other people have told me that it isn’t fair – they can’t go out and enjoy themselves so why should I? I’ve worked hard to create small pockets in the day when I can sit with the newspaper or a hot drink or the TV and just switch off for half an hour or so.  It is a work in progress but I am lucky that my immediate family are supportive of this. They recognise that I need that time and when I question my motives, they will tell me that. For my birthday they made a special effort to organise 12 treats, one a month, to ensure that I take time for myself and have some fun. They spent a great deal of time thinking of things they thought I would enjoy, that might push me out of my comfort zone a little, and that would put me first. They have spent a lot of money to get them all booked up, but they did it because they could see that I was failing – failing to look after myself, because I was too busy looking after everybody else. I am incredibly grateful to them for that support and for the thought they put into that incredible gift. I haven’t been able to fulfil them each month as yet, but they are banked for when I can and it is something for me to look forward to. And knowing that they have been selected by my family who desperately want me to do them, helps me to cope with the inner guilt and push it aside. They don’t want me to feel guilty because they can see that having time for myself is important.

I think wives and mums naturally put themselves at the bottom of a long list and struggle to take time for themselves – it is in-built, but I have also realised that it is important.  And the guilt?  Well, I think I will always feel guilty to a certain degree, but I am learning that sometimes I have to push that aside. I am worthy of time for myself. I should not feel guilty every time I do that and I shouldn’t allow other people to make me feel guilty either.  If they are not happy with the situation, that is their problem, not mine.

I am a work in progress!  Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose but I am getting there.  And in pushing the guilt aside, I hope that I will be a happier and more contented person.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

I’m going to start with an apology this month as my ramblings on this occasion, are most definitely a rant! 😊

Are you a person who likes to learn?  I am.  I’ve always enjoyed learning.  During school holidays I would buy myself an English workbook and a mathematics workbook and each morning I would set aside half an hour or so to practice my skills and hopefully improve. It became a habit, alongside daily reading of the encyclopaedia to learn new words.

I worked hard at school to get to teacher training college and when I got there I continued to learn – the stuff I needed to qualify but also extras – how to be a netball coach, how to use a pen and ink, how to make exciting resources and so on.  When I qualified as a teacher I took on extra courses to become better at what I was doing, to have areas of expertise and to do the best job I could. I never stopped learning – partly to better myself and partly because I just enjoy learning new things.

In the pandemic I took on various online courses and workshops, my favourite being Cat Psychology! Why?  Because I thought it would be interesting, and it was!

My love for learning and my natural curiosity may have dimmed a little but it is still there and I hope it continues to be so for the rest of my life. I’ve often said that we are never too old to learn something new and that the day I stop wanting to learn, is the day I will probably give up on life. I can’t see it happening.

I don’t think this makes me odd, or weird, it is just the way I am and I am sure many of you enjoy learning new things too – whether it be a sport, a crafting technique, a new song.  Last week I learned the technique of how to complete a sudoku and I was chuffed. I’ve never understood how to attack that particular problem before, but now I know and although I don’t get it right every time, I am enjoying using my brain in a different way and being able to tackle a problem with confidence.

So imagine my surprise when last week at work I was told to ‘chill out.’ We were learning a new skill, something we haven’t done before and something I have little prior knowledge about. We were told to ask any questions of unfamiliar terms so that we would feel confident in understanding and using them. So I did.  I asked a lot of questions. I didn’t take over the conversation but if something was said that I wasn’t sure about, I asked for clarification. When a colleague used those words to me ‘Chill out,’  I wasn’t quite sure how to react. I wasn’t feeling stressed. I wasn’t emotional.  I wasn’t angry.  I was just eager to learn. So the phrase didn’t really mean anything but I found it derogatory and a criticism which I found hard to handle.

I explained that I wanted to learn so that I could get better at my job but this left little impact on my colleague. ‘Don’t stress. Chill out.  It’s not that difficult.’ I was basically being told to be quiet.

Afterwards I asked some of my other colleagues if I had been annoying or speaking out of turn and all said no. One specifically said she was really pleased that I asked the questions as it helped her to understand better and she hadn’t felt able to ask them herself. No one else seemed angry which confused me even more.

In my last teaching job I had a similar experience and it caused untold frustration. If something new was happening or changes had been made, I would ask questions so that I understood what was going on and what was expected of me. Again, it seemed that this was the wrong thing to do as I was frequently told to stop overthinking. In my eyes I wasn’t. I was just making things clearer so I knew what to do. For some reason it seemed that asking for further information, trying to learn by asking questions and trying to get better at what I was doing was a fault. I was thinking yes, but not overthinking, I was asking for clarification, I was interested in what was going on, I was trying to learn so that I could be better at what I was doing and yet I was in trouble for doing so.

It makes no sense to me.  I could sit back, listen, not speak, not further my knowledge and leave when my shift was over but why would I do that? Why would I not strive to be the best I can be? To improve myself? Why should I feel that by trying to do that I am a troublemaker?

Maybe I asked too many questions? I really don’t know because the person telling me to chill out wasn’t interested in why I was asking them, she was just bored because she, it would seem, knows it all. I feel sad that my quest to learn is shut down with a single flippant comment that means nothing in reality but was hurtful. I do have times when I am anxious but in this case that wasn’t the reason for asking for information.  Do I come across as permanently anxious?  I don’t know.

So my question is, what do you think? Should I just sit there in silence and hope that I improve?  Should I continue to ask the questions I feel appropriate?  Should I still be wanting to learn?  I am genuinely interested in your views and would love you to get back to me on the contact us form. Should learning end when we leave school? Is asking questions overthinking?  So many questions that I hope you can answer for me.

My own thoughts are that I should continue being me – the me that wants to learn, to improve their knowledge and understanding and their ability to perform their work.  On this occasion, I stood up for myself but should I have to? Do I really need to explain to someone that I am genuinely interested in our new project and that I want to learn as much as I can? I don’t feel I ought to, and I doubt that my superiors realise that perhaps my attitude is better than the I don’t care, I shall sit here in silence until it is time to leave because I know everything attitude that other people my have.

I repeat: the day I stop wanting to learn new things I might as well curl up in a corner and give up.  There is so much to learn about our world and the people in it, the history we have had and will have. I want to learn as much as possible and if that annoys some people, well maybe I just need to say two words back to them:

CHILL OUT!!

I know that some anxiety is actually good for us.  It keeps us alert and focused but when it becomes more than that, when it begins to overwhelm us in every situation, it can prove to be extremely challenging. Statistics say that as many as 30% of adults are affected in some way by excessive fear and anxiety which has become hard to manage, but actually I believe that percentage is likely to be a lot higher. But what is it? The definition I have found is: a group of people who deal with anxiety while still functioning reasonably well in their daily lives. They often struggle with self-doubt and fear of failure, have a need to be perfect and are keen to please others which can impact their lives hugely.

To outsiders, high functioning anxiety can be difficult to spot. It can happen when people who have symptoms of anxiety, push themselves continuously forward to face new challenges, when perhaps they should step back a little and take things easier. Sufferers can seem to be highly successful, especially if that success is measured by how much they achieve, how much they pack into their daily life and how they can always be counted on to help somebody else. But, behind that seemingly calm demeanour, those with HFA (High functioning anxiety) are constantly dealing with that anxiety, the fight or flight mode of thinking, that nobody else can see.

HFA sufferers are amazing at handling routine tasks independently without support. They can mask their symptoms so no one else notices and which allows them to function effectively throughout the day or in public, but, sufferers are also people who try to please others too much, obsess over trivial things other people probably don’t notice and are so consumed by every mistake they make that they continuously beat themselves up over it.  Sound familiar?  To me it does! HFA sufferers know that they are capable of what is being asked of them but don’t fully believe it and often think of the worst possible scenario, putting themselves under undue pressure and unable to ask for help or support.

When I was reading this I was visually ticking off boxes. I am most definitely a people pleaser. I hate to say no. I constantly suffer from imposter syndrome and believe that I am not as good as everyone else. If I stand up for myself, I replay the argument constantly in my head to see if I have upset anyone and worry that I will be sacked from work, lose a friendship or have upset someone else. I apologise even when I am in the right as I can’t bear to think someone else is feeling bad due to my words or actions. I see a problem and my heart races – fight or flight?  I usually force myself to stay but this isn’t always the easiest or correct choice.

It seems that there are many causes: family history, going through tough or upsetting times, having health issues, too much alcohol or drugs, being shy or nervous as a child – again I can tick off most of those (without the alcohol and drug influence I hasten to add!!). If some of this sounds familiar check out the following signs: excessive worry, overthinking, thinking worst case scenarios, perfectionism, physical manifestations such as headaches, difficulty relaxing or digestive problems, having a strong fear of failure, overworking, putting excessive pressure on yourself, have difficult saying no, feeling constantly overwhelmed. How many of these fit you?  How about: having to do lists, constantly checking calendars, adhering strictly to routines due to a fear of deviation, feeling irritable and frustrated when disrupted, constant worry about meeting high standards, self doubt?  The list is seemingly endless.

So what can you do if you identify as someone with HFA?   Firstly we need to embrace our anxiety as a natural response and foster self compassion which will lead to greater resilience. HFA sufferers are generally empathetic and determined. They are caring, conscientious and committed to their work, family and communities and these are all things to be celebrated. What we need to do is build our self confidence by setting meaningful and achievable goals, stop comparing ourselves to others and find our own rhythm. Everyone is different.  We all have different needs and energy levels and we need to find a balance that suits us.  It can help to build your own support system – friends that understand you and help you to know that you do not have to deal with things entirely alone. We also need to figure out what matters to us as individuals – not what others think or society dictates and we need to set boundaries by understanding our own limits and learning to say no when we need to practice a bit more self care, because taking care of ourselves is just as important as helping everyone else.

Perhaps one of the hardest things is learning how to handle criticism and see feedback as something designed to help us rather than bring us down. We all tend to remember the negatives rather than the positives but learning to accept criticism calmly and positively could make a huge difference.

The greatest thing I have learned and try to practice (sometimes successfully but it is a work in progress) is mindfulness, where I try to focus on the present moment to keep myself calm, rather than letting my mind rush ahead to all sorts of unlikely eventualities. Taking the time to breathe and really concentrate on one thing, helps my heart to stop racing and my mind to clear.

At work I find I am constantly comparing myself to others and finding myself sadly lacking.  I worry that my grades are not as good, that I am not improving as quickly as others and that what I say isn’t valued. These are natural fears from those who have HFA, but in reality they are most likely to be untrue. Perhaps my scores aren’t as good but I still have something to offer and providing I have a decent manager this should be recognised. I know that deep down I work hard, I am committed and I try my best and these are qualities that should be recognised and celebrated.  I can only do my best and this should be my mantra.

If you recognise any of this in yourself or in your friend, know that deep down you really are just as good as the next person. Seek out your supportive friends, open up about your fears and learn how to take constructive criticism, stand up for yourself and say no.  It’s not easy but it is possible.

HFA is not an easy thing to live with. But having read various articles I am at least now beginning to recognise some of the signs, some of the causes and some ways to help the situation. I hope that you can too.

' I only .......'

Are you an 'I only' person too?

Today I was busy so only managed 3km, but had I not made any time for that particular activity, I wouldn’t have achieved anything, so 3km is fabulous!  Yesterday I only did the shopping because time was short, but what I didn’t acknowledge was that I had got up early to have half an hour in the gym before doing my work session. I then did the family shopping for a week, planning menus as I went, bought a selection of items for an event I am running next week, bought dollars for my son who is heading off to America, filled the car with petrol and then went home and put it all away before I left for my appointment. There was no ‘I only..’ about it, I achieved loads in a very short space of time.

It got me thinking about accepting some days we are not going to achieve a great deal and other days we will achieve more. We set targets but can’t always reach them but by failing to achieve everything we set out to do, we don’t acknowledge and appreciate the things we do actually manage to get done.

After I had my twins and with a 4-year-old also in tow, getting ready for the school run was a major operation that left me exhausted. But in that short space of time, first thing in the morning, I managed to get three children breakfasted, one in school uniform, two nappies changed and two babies dressed and, in their pushchair, a packed lunch made, school bag checked, myself washed and dressed (or at least looking presentable) and a walk to the school gates. We were never late! I might have been exhausted and I might only have got my eldest to school but I had achieved an incredible amount just to do that.

After my surgery, getting downstairs, dressed, washed etc was tough for some time. Every movement was painful and slow but I did it. I might only have got myself onto the settee but I had done something and each day I achieved a little bit more.

Often my children would come home from school with the comment, ‘I only got 8 of my spellings correct,’ and they were sad. In my view that was still brilliant because it was 8 more words learned than the previous week and an increased vocabulary. And to be honest, having seen which words they got wrong, they probably would remember how to spell them next time!

So, on reflection, I think I need to stop thinking ‘I only..’ and instead realise how much effort some things take for some people including myself and that each tiny achievement is worthy of celebration.

 I am currently in a situation where a number of family and friends are facing real adversity and their tomorrows are not guaranteed.  For them, waking up and facing a new day with the issues it might bring is a huge achievement even if they do nothing else. They might be facing pain, surgery or unpleasant medical procedures, so to wake and accept and get on with it, is an amazing feat. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, so we should learn to make the most of each and every day, grab opportunities that come our way, treat each day afresh and never think ‘I only..’ because every achievement, however miniscule it may be, is still an accomplishment.  Today they may seem few and far between, tomorrow may be better, but just the act of getting up and facing the day with optimism, courage and a willingness to give things a try, is a huge achievement in itself. And if you only manage to get yourself out of bed then still be proud because that may have taken huge strength and is a base on which to build, so that tomorrow you may achieve even more.

No more ‘I only’s..’ from me is the aim.

So this morning, I ran 3km, caught up on admin, did an hours work for my husband, sorted lunch, put the washing away, had a shower, fed the cats, rang my mother and wrote a list of the things I needed to do this afternoon. I did great!!

I am guessing it stems from my childhood where I appear to have had a particularly ‘vigilant’ (or in other words brutal) dentist!  He filled anything and everything and removed teeth quite frequently. Suffering from soft weak teeth due to a calcium deficiency, I ended up visiting rather a lot.  This was then exacerbated by changing dentists many times as we moved around the country. Each one seemed to intensely dislike the work done by his/her predecessor, necessitating the removal and replacement of fillings. That did not help my fear, one jot!

There are some people that are so terrified they refuse to go at all and end up in incredible pain and with huge issues that need sorting promptly. Thankfully I am not as bad as that, but I do suffer from nightmares and increased heart rate and palpitations whether I am going for dental treatment or just a check-up.

The fear is not helped by delays in getting appointments, long waiting times in the waiting room and the current national shortage of dentists. I am lucky in that I still have an NHS dentist, something of a rarity these days. I do, however, feel that standards are not what they were, probably due to the huge volume of patients they have to see. I am grateful that my dentist is within 15 minutes driving distance when I hear of other people travelling for hours for each appointment and even more grateful when I hear the struggles people have to find a dentist to take them on, particularly if they have moved to a new area.

When I was a child, the school dentist used to visit at least once a year. I remember us all lined up, taking it in turns to open our mouths wide for him to have a quick look. Those of us who regularly visited a dentist were sent back to the classrooms, the unlucky ones were given a letter to take home saying they needed urgent dental treatment. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, but it did mean that children were seen and work was done.  The same used to happen with Nitty Nora! Remember her?  She was the nurse who came regularly to check for head lice, combing roughly through our hair as we stood at the front of the class. The shame when you were sent to the wrong side and given the big brown envelope with letter and bottle of yucky chemicals to get rid of the invaders!  These services no longer seem to exist and yet are probably even more essential now than they have ever been.

It is shocking that there is this immense shortage of NHS dental practices in the country. The WI are currently voting on a resolution to demand more help to ensure everyone is able to access treatment in their area. Dental work is no longer free but treatment is subsidised, helping us to afford the work that is needed. Newly trained dentists do not seem to want to work in the NHS sector anymore and not everyone can afford private dental plans, so something needs to be done to encourage new qualified dentists to practice – better pay, better conditions, whatever is needed. My dental practice is now run by Eastern Europeans causing different issues due to their accents. Many elderly people or those suffering from hearing loss of some kind are struggling to understand the questions they are asked and the advice they are given. The dentists are great but it can be a problem.

I was at my surgery today for dental work. My appointment had been postponed 3 times due to illness and work pressures – something I have just had to deal with.  I was half an hour late going in which increased my fears but I was seen, I was treated with kindness and understanding and I was given sound advice. So, I was lucky.

Mo the dentist understood my fear and dealt with me appropriately. I was given time to ensure I was calm.  I was not rushed despite the fact that he was running late. As I lay there, he encouraged me to breathe deeply, talking to me calmly throughout the procedure and I was frequently asked if I was ok or if I was in pain.  I could not have asked for more. I left the practice with an information sheet and instructions to ring if I had any questions (which I have done and received my answer already).

I am still scared of going to the dentist. I know I have further work to be done but I hope that I can deal with it calmly in the future, knowing that despite the pressures dentists are facing and the problems currently being faced by the NHS, I am still receiving quality care.  In the meantime, I voted for the WI resolution and maybe should think about writing to my MP to explain my fears for the loss of NHS services and the difficulties people are facing. Nobody should be queueing for hours when a new practice is opened in the hopes they might be offered a place, nobody should be travelling for hours to return to the dentist they are registered with after moving house and every child should be able to access regularly free appointments so that they can avoid issues in later life. We used to have these services so why not now?

And for those that are fearful like me, take a deep breath, pluck up the courage and visit your dentist, if you have one, regularly. It may be traumatic and difficult but will ultimately help you to prevent major work in the future.

This is a subject I write about frequently. I make no apologies for that!

I was watching a podcast recently on communing with nature and its benefits to mental health.  It was interesting to hear about people’s experiences, companies that provide encounters with nature and how we can all benefit by spending more time in nature. Yoga retreats, bushcraft experiences, wild swimming, visits to wildflower meadows, mindfulness centres and so on are all big business these days but are they really necessary?  Do we really have to spend big money to go on a fancy, organised ‘nature experience?’  The answer to me is quite clearly no!

The great thing about nature is that everyone can access it and everyone can benefit from it.  Nature is all around us and can be experienced for free. It might be that you enjoy spending bundles of money on a weekend get away with fancy wholefoods, classes laid on and instruction on how to make the most of nature and that is great, but in my eyes, it really isn’t necessary.

I’ve never been what you would consider an outdoors person, someone who regularly spent time enjoying the environment.  I played out as a child. I visited parks.  I even went camping though I hated it, but I didn’t really connect with nature at all. I remember going on a guide camp once and there were competitions to name the trees, birds and flowers around us and I basically hadn’t got a clue. I didn’t notice nature and I didn’t appreciate it. It was just there.

It was following my retirement from teaching that I began to realise how my general physical and mental health could be improved through connecting with nature. I am lucky to live in a small village. There is a large number of houses but also a railway walk, some lanes and fields.  When I finally had time on my hands and feeling very low, I started going for a short walk each day around the village. It didn’t matter what the weather was, I would set out for 20 to 30 minutes and stroll. At first, I wasn’t really aware of any of the local environment, but gradually I began to notice small differences from week to week. I saw the first snowdrops in a neighbour’s garden, crocus, daffodils and tulips following. I spotted wild flowers and became interested enough to google and identify them: comfrey, celandine, dog roses and so on. I began to spot the buds appearing on the trees and then slowly unfurling into leaves covering the bare branches as spring turned into summer and then the multitude of colours that occur during Autumn before they fell in preparation for winter. I’d never really noticed how things changed so much from one season to the next.

The pandemic brought along numerous restrictions. Suddenly we couldn’t go wherever we wanted as restrictions were put in place. We had to stay local and we could at one point only go out for an hour a day. Having spent a year going out every day, I found this hard so no matter what the weather, I was out for my hour and not a minute less. By then I had become used to getting a blast of fresh air on my face and the chance to clear my head. I became more and more aware of the tiny changes occurring in my local neighbourhood.  When I was ill and confined to the house I missed this dreadfully and worked hard to get back to my daily walk – starting with a slow walk into the garden, then to the end of the road and then back around the village. It was a target to aim for and something I was determined to achieve.

I know that if I am feeling low or depressed or anxious, the best thing I can do is to put on my coat and go for a wander. There is just something about being out in the open, with the wind blowing in your face or the sun shining on the top of your head, or the feel of a raindrop trickling down your face that can help ease those concerns and bring a sense of calm. It must be having a positive effect on my blood pressure levels!  Being out in nature helps me to breathe, to feel more relaxed, to work things out in my head and to calm me down and the best thing about it is it costs me absolutely nothing.

To me, connecting with nature is not paying money for fancy breaks though I have no objections to other people choosing to do that if they wish. To me it is just experiencing the weather, feeling the air, listening to the birds, noticing the trees and the flowers and making use of all my senses to really experience the great outdoors.

Whether you are able to wander freely or can only make it to your garden, nature is available to everyone but so many of us fail to appreciate it or to recognise the wonderful benefits it can have. Listening to the radio, I heard someone question whether it truly was available to everyone – ‘What about those confined to the house?’ they asked, or ‘Sat in a wheelchair?’  Those with mobility issues can still be taken outside, wheelchair or not. They can sit in a garden or a chair at the front of their house so that they too can experience the various sensations: the feel of the air, the smell of mown grass, the sounds of the birds etc and even those confined to bed inside can experience some with a little bit of thought and preparation.  Opening a window, positioning the bed so that a view from the window can be achieved, bringing in plants and flowers or even photographs can help keep that link with nature. I am sure that you could think of many other possibilities.

We all lead such busy lives and sometimes we forget the wonder of the world around us. It passes us by.  We forget all the amazing changes that each season brings.  We don’t notice the birds and bugs around us and that seems so sad. Taking a short time each day to focus on this can improve your mental health, relieve stress and anxiety, ease depression and physically sees us moving more. When I don’t get my short walk now, I truly miss it and can’t wait to get back out there because I know that my mood will instantly improve and although I may return home windswept, soaked to the skin, covered in mud and exhausted – it is a really wonderful feeling.

Take that break now.

Go outside. Take some deep breaths. Shut your eyes and listen. Smell the air and touch the soil, the tree or the stones around you. Your senses will awaken and I promise you that you will begin to appreciate those few moments of calm in an otherwise hectic life.

Are you up for it?

break out of your comfort zone. 

What kind of a person are you? Are you somebody that finds what they like and what they feel comfortable with and stick to it?  Or are you somebody that consistently tries new things and is happy to push the boundaries and move out of your comfort zone?

There’s nothing wrong with either, but the world does seem to be split into either/or.  I’m very much a person who usually likes to stick with things they are happy with.  Doing something different can be scary or make me feel anxious, sometimes even unworthy.  I know what I like. I am happy doing the same things.  I don’t actively seek out new things …. but … my feelings have changed somewhat in recent years.

There are many reasons why we stick within our comfort zone. It might be that we feel comfortable in the knowledge that what we know and what we like is good enough. We feel we can hold our own, appear competent and confident and feel no need to put ourselves under undue pressure. I’ve done this for years, but I now realise that by doing this, I have perhaps restricted myself and turned down opportunities that might have led onto more new and wonderful experiences or achievements. I was very shy as a child/teenager and my response when asked to do anything would most likely have been 'No thank you.' I was scared of everything!

Leaving home and going to college was a huge step for me to undertake and at the time was terrifying! But because I had an end goal – my desire to be a teacher – I knew that I had to be brave and do it. The first few weeks were scary. Away from home for the first time, looking after myself, making new friends, getting to grips with my work load and training, first teaching practices and so on, were all terrifying occasions.  But I stuck with it and actually ended up loving my time there. I made some brilliant friends that I am still in touch with today, I gained my degree and I began a teaching career. Along the way, I also met my husband!

Married life brought along more changes as we embarked on military life and all that that entails. Each posting meant starting again – finding new friends, jobs, a social life, going to posh events, formal dinners and a host of other occasions. For a shy person, each one took immense courage but I learnt and adapted and hopefully did a decent enough job.

As I get older, I know that I am likely to get set in my ways. I’ve seen it often enough and having had a confidence crisis a few years ago, I know that I like to stick with what is familiar and avoid anxiety inducing occasions. But more recently I have realised that perhaps it is important not to be too complacent and to continue to try pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone and see what else we can achieve. After my cancer diagnosis, I felt the need to grab opportunities as they presented themselves, answering yes quickly to anything on offer before I could think and ultimately say no. I still find it a difficult thing to do but I am improving.  Sometimes it is something very small – today I tried something brand new to eat in the staff cafeteria – something I would never normally choose, but I looked and thought why not, and I actually really enjoyed it! I’ve pushed myself to join a new choir and I am enjoying it. The first couple of times walking through the door were sheer torture, but by forcing myself to do it, I have made a couple of new friends, I am enjoying the singing and I have been brave enough to return.

This weeks new experience was a spa afternoon – not my usual thing at all! I went with a friend, which is a good way of pushing yourself as you have instant and immediate support should an anxiety attack happen. I found that I liked the relaxed chilled experience, but hated the sauna and lasted only 30 seconds in the steam room! But I still did it.  I tried something new. I might not do it again, but I enjoyed it for what it was and it is something else I have experienced.

Not all new experiences are successful instantly, if at all, but it is still worth giving things a go. I was persuaded to try an art therapy class with a friend. I’ve not done art since I was at school and even then was advised not to take art as an option as I was not good at it. The class was small, the tutor was very bouncy and enthusiastic but despite all that, I could feel my anxiety rising. We were shown a few techniques, given some examples and told to have a go.  At that point, I had a complete and utter meltdown! It had been building gradually but even I was shocked by my response. There was nothing I could do to stop it. The situation was so far out of my comfort zone that I felt totally overwhelmed and my initial reaction was to leave – immediately!  But I didn’t. I explained my feelings and the rest of the group were really supportive. The tutor came over and helped me work out where and how to start. I was given positive encouragement throughout the rest of the session and eventually I managed to relax sufficiently to give things a go and create something. It wasn’t brilliant, it wasn’t perhaps as good as those around me, but it was something new that I had done myself despite my conflicting emotions.

More than that, I was proud that I had stuck it out. My instinct was to run and in the past I probably would have done. I would have made my excuses, said it was not for me, put on my coat and left. I would then have spent the rest of the day thinking I was a failure. Instead, by staying, I could be proud that I had stuck it out, given it a go and by the end calmed down sufficiently to partially enjoy the experience. I ended up surprising myself, by signing up for the next session! I am sure that I will still feel anxious but hopefully less so.

Pushing myself to try new things seems to be important to me at the moment. I am surrounded by people who tell me that their life is dull, too routine or uninteresting and I am desperate not to feel the same way. I also know that my anxiety has got out of control at times and needs to be addressed. In my mind, the more I push myself to do things that are not easy or familiar, the more I hope the anxiety will become controllable, that I will realise it is me making things harder than they need to be. Perhaps then, I will feel more confident in speaking out, standing up for myself or others, trying new things and making the most of life.

I still don’t believe that there is anything wrong with making life easy and comfortable if that is what you want but I now think for me personally, pushing myself through those boundaries is opening up a new world. After leaving my teaching career, dealing with the Covid pandemic, undergoing cancer treatment and now dealing with aging and unwell parents my perception of life is to seize the day – grab any opportunity for some fun – try new things and ultimately make the most of what life has to offer.  And in my case, that means breaking out of my comfort zone, however hard it might be!

I am an ordinary person

and I want to help. 

I found the film incredibly moving. I saw the determination of a very young man trying to make a difference in a terrifying world but I also saw his sorrow and his belief that he had done no more than any other person would do and that for him, it wasn’t enough.  Eight trains successfully left for Britain bringing their precious horde of Jewish children.  The Ninth train was stopped at the eleventh hour. Knowing that invasion was imminent, Nicholas and his team had secured spaces for their biggest group of children ever – 250 – they were due to leave the day that war was declared. Those children were removed from the train and their fate sadly is probably known. Nicholas was to carry that sadness with him till the end of his life.  He could not save them all.

I wondered where the title came from and apparently it is taken from a saying in the Talmud ‘He who saves one life, saves the entire world.’ But I also am of the belief that ‘One Life’ is telling us that we each have  one life and we should use it to the best of our ability to do what we can – to live a good life, to fill it with good things and to be the best that we can be. Not many of us will go out to save lives though there are many that do – incidentally or through their professions – they are amazing people, but we CAN make a difference in the lives of those around us. We are all able to do something to make someone’s life better. It might be a passing word with a lonely neighbour, a smile to someone sitting in a window, supporting a charity or volunteering to help someone you know who is going through a difficult time. It doesn’t have to be anything huge like Nicholas Winton, something the whole world knows about, but if we all did little things to help and support those around us then we might not save the world, but we can certainly change it.

One of the scenes in the film resonated deeply with me. When Nicholas was suggesting what seemed to be a preposterous scheme at the time, something totally unachievable, he was asked why the ordinary people of Britain would want to help the children of Central Europe. His response was: ‘I am an ordinary man and I want to help.’ It takes great courage, fortitude, determination and downright stubbornness to do what Nicholas Winton did in such troubled times but ultimately, he was a young man who saw a problem and set out to solve it.

In current times, we too can find life is difficult. We are ordinary people. It is my belief that despite the awful events I read about in the papers or watch on the news, that deep down, our country is filled with people who care and that it is in us all to make a difference.

I set up this website to help myself recover from an illness but I also had recognised the issues people were dealing with through the Covid Pandemic and beyond. I wanted to make a difference in some way, to reach out to those I knew were lonely or struggling to find a way through their own illness. I haven’t changed the world (I never set out to do that!) my readership is small but I do get messages to say that someone has read something I have written and it has resonated with them, or that they have been interested in a charity I have mentioned and decided to support them, or even that they have looked at my book suggestions and chosen their holiday reading list. These messages are so lovely to receive because it makes me feel that in my own way, I am making a teeny difference to somebody’s life whilst also aiding my own recovery.

In Nicholas Winton’s words, the ordinary man wants to help.

If we all followed that mantra and found something, however small, that we can do to help someone, then we can make a massive change and hopefully make the world a happier place for everyone